What Humble Inquiry Reminded Me About Presence, Trust, and Resisting the Urge to Fix
When I picked up Humble Inquiry, I expected it to reinforce what I already knew about asking good questions.
What I didn’t expect was how clearly it would surface something I still have to practice—again and again.
This book isn’t about clever questions.
It’s about who we are while we’re asking them.
It’s deceptively simple. Grounded. Almost understated. And yet, as I read, I kept returning to moments in my own coaching where I’ve felt the subtle pull to do more, say more, help more—often just a beat too soon.
Humble Inquiry isn’t a book about techniques.
It’s a book about relationship, power, and restraint.
In a recent episode of The Coaching Book Club Podcast, Ken McKellar and I explored this book together. What stayed with me wasn’t a model or a list of question types—it was the reminder that trust is built less by what we ask and more by how we show up.
Here’s what continues to linger.
Inquiry Is an Attitude Before It’s a Skill
The Scheins describe humble inquiry as both an art and an attitude—drawing someone out with questions you don’t already know the answer to, while holding genuine curiosity and respect.
That distinction matters.
Because it’s possible to ask open-ended questions while still trying to steer.
It’s possible to sound curious while already deciding where the conversation should go.
True inquiry asks something quieter of us:
to suspend our certainty.
to tolerate not knowing.
to let the conversation unfold at the client’s pace, not ours.
I’m reminded how often coaching presence is less about doing and more about not rushing.
ICF Core Competency 5: Maintains Presence
Because presence is what makes inquiry land.
Advice-Giving Is Often a Signal, Not a Solution
One of the clearest reminders in Humble Inquiry is the cost of defaulting to advice—even when it’s well-intentioned.
When someone asks, “What should I do?” it can feel like an invitation to be helpful.
But more often, it’s a signal that something underneath hasn’t yet been named.
In my own work, I’ve noticed that advice tends to land flat when it arrives too early. Not because the advice is wrong—but because the question hasn’t fully emerged yet.
Humble inquiry invites a pause:
Can I ask you a few questions first?
That pause does more than gather information.
It restores partnership.
ICF Core Competency 6: Listens Actively
ICF Core Competency 7: Evokes Awareness
Because clarity grows when curiosity leads.
Trust Is Built by Slowing Down, Not Speeding Up
Another idea that stayed with me is how strongly the book links trust with pacing.
We often assume progress comes from momentum.
But in coaching, momentum without clarity can create misalignment—between coach and client, and even within the client themselves.
I’ve seen how a few early check-ins—
Is this working for you?
What feels most important right now?
What are you more clear about?
—can change the entire tone of a session.
Slowing down doesn’t delay outcomes.
It creates the conditions for them.
ICF Core Competency 3: Establishes and Maintains Agreements
ICF Core Competency 4: Cultivates Trust and Safety
Because safety accelerates clarity.
Intimacy in Coaching Looks Different Than We Think
The book’s discussion of relationship levels—transactional, personal, intimate—sparked a question that’s stayed with me:
Can a client experience intimacy in coaching without the coach sharing intimate details in return?
I think the answer is yes.
There’s a particular kind of intimacy that emerges when a coach is willing to witness without intruding. When silence is allowed to do its work. When a client says something out loud for the first time—and the coach doesn’t rush to fill the space.
That kind of intimacy isn’t mutual disclosure.
It’s mutual presence.
ICF Core Competency 4: Cultivates Trust and Safety
Because being witnessed changes how people see themselves.
Not Every Moment Is an Invitation to Intervene
One of the quieter lessons in Humble Inquiry is about restraint.
Just because we can ask a question doesn’t mean we should.
Just because something feels coachable doesn’t mean it’s ready.
Humble inquiry asks us to stay attuned—to readiness, context, and consent.
Sometimes the most respectful move is to wait.
To ask permission.
To let something ripen.
This takes humility.
And patience.
ICF Core Competency 1: Demonstrates Ethical Practice
Because honoring readiness is part of ethical presence.
How This Is Shaping My Practice
Since revisiting this book, I’ve been paying closer attention to:
When I feel the urge to be helpful—and what’s underneath it
Whether my questions are invitational or directional
How often I slow the conversation before moving forward
Where silence is doing more work than words
How trust shows up somatically, not just cognitively
What I keep returning to is this:
good coaching doesn’t require more effort.
It requires more trust.
A Final Reflection
Humble Inquiry reminded me that coaching is not about extracting insight or producing answers.
It’s about creating a relational space where insight can emerge—without force, without performance, without pressure.
When curiosity leads, partnership strengthens.
When partnership strengthens, people think more clearly.
And when thinking becomes clearer, change follows naturally.
If you’ve ever felt the pull to fix, advise, or move faster than the moment allows, this book offers a steady counterpoint—a reminder that humility isn’t a limitation.
It’s a strength.
I’m curious:
Where might slowing down your questions create more room for trust to grow?
