The Pattern That Made Sense

There is something worth saying about the pattern before we talk about changing it.

It made sense. Whatever you built your success on — the hypervigilance, the over-responsibility, the hand that goes up before you've finished thinking through whether this is yours to take — it wasn't a mistake. It was a strategy. A reasonable response to the circumstances you were in when you developed it.

Early in a career, raising your hand builds experience. Stepping in when no one else does builds credibility. Taking charge when things are uncertain builds trust. The instinct that now costs you something was once the thing that got you here.

That matters. Not as a consolation. As context that makes it possible to look at the pattern without judgment — and to understand why willpower alone was never going to change it.

I know this one from the inside.

My version of it is the automatic reach — the hand that goes up, the step forward, the instinct to volunteer before I've assessed whether this is actually mine to do. It built my career. It also became the thing I keep having to notice and interrupt, because the same instinct that serves me in some rooms costs me in others.

This year I have been organizing my high school reunion — something I agreed to do before I'd fully thought it through. And somewhere in the planning, I caught myself. I stopped and actually asked: why am I doing this? Do I want to be doing this? Do I have the time to do it well? Is there someone who might have stronger claim to this role, or stronger investment in it? Is there someone who would help me if I asked?

The answers were mostly yes — yes, I want to see where everyone is in their lives; yes, I have time if I'm intentional about it; yes, there are people who will help. But the point isn't the answers. The point is that I asked the questions at all. That's not how I used to operate.

The pattern isn't the problem. The automaticity is.

When you step in before you've assessed what's actually needed — when you raise your hand out of habit rather than genuine willingness — you sometimes take up space that belonged to someone else. Someone more hesitant, or less practiced at moving first, who might have been exactly the right person if you'd waited long enough to find out.

And you also take on weight that wasn't yours. Weight that accumulates, over years, into something that follows you home.

The work of changing this isn't about stopping. It's about pausing long enough to choose. Not every step forward is the wrong move — but every step forward should be a move you made, not one that made itself.

Here is the one thing I want you to take from this issue.

The next time you feel the pull to volunteer, step in, or take charge — before you do, ask yourself these three questions honestly:

Do I actually want to do this? Do I have what it takes to do it well right now? Is there someone else for whom this might be more theirs to do than mine?

You don't have to change the answer. Just make sure the answer is actually yours.

I work with women nonprofit Executive Directors on exactly this — the patterns that built your success and what it takes to make them conscious rather than automatic. If this letter is landing somewhere real, I would be glad to talk. You can book a free 30-minute conversation here.